[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler,
Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]
Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just
some guy I work with!
Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy!
There's gotta be something wrong with him!
Chandler: All right Joey, be nice. So
does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?
(They all stare, bemused.)
Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to
go through what I went through with Carl- oh!
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not
even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.
Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high
school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I
realize I am totally naked.
All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize
there's a phone... there.
Joey: Instead of...?
Chandler: That's right.
Joey: Never had that dream.
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone
starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts
looking at me.
Monica: And they weren't looking at you
Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better
answer it, and it turns out it's my
mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!
[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]
Ross: (mortified) Hi.
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill
Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?
Ross: I just feel like someone reached
down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my
mouth and tied it around my neck...
Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol
moved her stuff out today.
Ross) Let me get you some coffee.
Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at
the air just in front of Ross.)
Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura!
No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine! Be murky!
Ross: I'll be
fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No you don't.
Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she
Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...
Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep
fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian...
(They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?
Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they
seemed to take it pretty well.
Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical
phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never
have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what? A
Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a
lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell
you what the answer is?
(Ross gestures his consent.)
Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single!
Have some hormones!
Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I
just... I just- I just wanna be married again!
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts
to search the room.)
Chandler: And I just want a million
dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)
Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I
just went to your building and you weren't there and then this
guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you
Waitress: Can I get you some
Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to
All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High
survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and
Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
Rachel: Hi, sure!
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He
sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as
Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)
Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are
we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a
half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were
keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat.
This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden-
(to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I
realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by
Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit
me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I
always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get
out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and
who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't
know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted
apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that
wouldn't be an issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is
there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure
out what is going on.]
Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought
her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna
or egg salad? Decide!
Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever
Christine is having.
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I
can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it
matters to me!
(The scene on TV has changed to show two women,
one is holding her hair.)
Phoebe: If I let go of my hair, my head
will fall off.
Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be
wearing those pants.
Joey: I say push her down the stairs.
Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push
her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the
(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone
Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's
like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're
a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today
I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe?
What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm
not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha-
It's a metaphor, Daddy!
Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.
Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well
maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
Monica: Well, I guess we've established
who's staying here with Monica...
Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision.
Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!
[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]
Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it.
Just try to think of nice calm things...
Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica
turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something
with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string.
These are a few...
Rachel: I'm all better now.
Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen
and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!
Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for
the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life.
The whole, 'hat' thing.
Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need
anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live
across the hall. And he's away a lot.
Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's
her wedding day!
Joey: What, like there's a rule or
(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)
Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's
a horrible sound.
Paul: (over the intercom)
It's, uh, it's Paul.
Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30? Buzz him in!
Joey: Who's Paul?
Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?
Joey: Wait. Your 'not
a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?
Ross: He finally asked you out?
Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.
Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...
Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine!
Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I
mean, do you want me to stay?
Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good...
Monica: (horrified) Really?
Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul
the Wine Guy!
Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he
sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't
(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)
Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They
are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody,
this is Paul.
All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your
name. Paul, was it?
Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be
right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...
Ross: A wandering?
Monica: Change! Okay, sit down. (Shows
Paul in) Two seconds.
Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four
eyelashes. That can't be good.
(Monica goes to change.)
Joey: Hey, Paul!
Joey: Here's a little tip, she really
likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over
and over again until it starts to get a little red.
Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut
Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh...
what're you up to tonight?
Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be
headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!
Ross: Right, you're not even getting your
honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year...
talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't
feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over
to help me put together my new furniture.
Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very
excited about it.
Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think
I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long
Ross: Okay, sure.
Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't
[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.]
Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer
showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your
love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart.
La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy)
Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there
Ross: (squatting and reading the
instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the
side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no
brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel
(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the
Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase
Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.
Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's
Chandler: I would have to say
that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.
Joey: Which goes where?
have no idea.
(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps
it in a plant.)
Joey: Done with the bookcase!
Chandler: All finished!
Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing)
This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the
can, I should have known.
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna
start with that stuff we're outta here.
Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this
Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She
got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?
Ross: You guys.
Chandler: Oh, God.
Joey: You got screwed.
Chandler: Oh my God!
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]
Monica: Oh my God!
Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I
guess I should have caught on when she started going to the
dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth
Monica: My brother's going through that
right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?
Paul: Well, you might try accidentally
breaking something valuable of hers, say her-
Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I
went for the watch.
Monica: You actually broke her watch? Wow!
The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's
favorite bath towel.
Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.
Monica: That's right. [Scene: Monica's
Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]
Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry...
I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the
other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't...
it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials
the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look,
I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become
Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I
have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me
a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)
[Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while
Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture.]
Ross: I'm divorced! I'm only 26 and I'm
Joey: Shut up!
Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits
what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)
Ross: That only took me an hour.
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand,
between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer
than a Mento. You, however have had the love
of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing
at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why
we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!
Ross: You know what the scariest part is?
What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean
what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my
case, there was only one woman- for her...
Joey: What are you talking about? 'One
woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream
for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors
out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing!
Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or
whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you!
You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to
the world! Grab a spoon!
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene:
A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]
Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I,
Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell
it out with noodles?
Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date
Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth
Paul: Isn't there?
Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is.
-What were you gonna say?
Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she
left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes
a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.
Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock)
Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...
Paul: It's okay...
Monica: I know being spit on is probably
not what you need right now. Um... how long?
Paul: Two years.
Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed
Paul: So you still think you, um... might
want that fifth date?
Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching
Joanne Loves Chaci.]
Priest on TV: We are gathered
here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles,
Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.
Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved
Chachi! That's the difference!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting
around and talking.]
Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know
how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words
'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?
Joey: Great story! But, I uh, I gotta go,
I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea... Oh man, (looks to
Chandler: Angela's the screamer, Andrea
Joey: Right. Thanks. It's June. I'm
outta here. (Exits.)
Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I
could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I
gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.)
[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.]
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making
coffee for Joey and Chandler.]
Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have
never made coffee before in my entire life.
Chandler: That is amazing.
Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can make
coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.
Chandler: If can invade Poland, there
isn't anything I can't do.
Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if
you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something...
(Joey and Chandler taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a
plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that hungry...
Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh good,
Lenny and Squigy are here.
All: Morning. Good morning.
Paul: (entering from
Monica's room) Morning.
Joey: Morning, Paul.
Rachel: Hello, Paul.
Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a
low voice so the others can't hear. The others move Monica's
table closer to the door so that they can.)
Paul: Thank you! Thank you so much!
Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was
like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn
raising scene in Witness.
Monica: We'll talk later.
Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)
Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the
hell do you do on a real date?
Monica: Shut up, and put my table back.
All: Okayyy! (They do so.)
Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to
work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of
Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs?
Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See,
that's how we buy stuff.
Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.
Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in
Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened
to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little
theater in the park.
Joey: Look, it was a job all right?
Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live
Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks
to the door and opens it to leave.)
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst
into song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden
boy, a little wooden boy..."
Joey: You should both know, that he's a
dead man. Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.) Monica:
So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I
can't stop smiling.
Rachel: I can see that. You look like you
slept with a hanger in your mouth.
Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you
remember you and Tony DeMarco?
Rachel: Oh, yeah.
Monica: Well, it's like that. With
Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.
Monica: Big time!
Rachel: Want a wedding dress? Hardly
Monica: I think we are getting a little
ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go
to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna
get up and go to work.
Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck!
Monica: What for?
Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks)
[Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie
Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?
had sex, didn't you?
Monica: How do
you do that?
Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing
my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you're having sex! So?
Monica: You know Paul?
Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I
Monica: You mean you know Paul like I
Frannie: Are you kidding? I take
credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his
turtle for two years.
Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]
Joey: (sitting on the arm of the
couch)Of course it was a line!
Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would
anybody do something like that?
Ross: I assume we're looking for an
answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'.
Monica: I hate men! I hate men!
Phoebe: Oh no, don't hate, you don't want
to put that out into the universe.
Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some
sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional
problems can hear?
right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (She starts massaging them.)
Monica: I just
thought he was nice, y'know?
out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a
(Monica pushes him
off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.)
Ross: You got
you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of
twelve interviews today.
yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty
how well you know me...
They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents,
I've got great boots' boots!
you pay for them?
who pays for that?
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table.
Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a
pair of scissors.]
Rachel: Oh God, come on you guys, is this
really necessary? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want.
you can't live off your parents your whole life.
Rachel: I know
that. That's why I was getting married.
her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.
welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was
fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was
back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I
ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning
windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself,
and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how
Ross: The word
you're looking for is 'Anyway'...
right, you ready?
Rachel: No. No, no, I'm not ready! How
can I be ready? "Hey, Rach! You ready to jump out the airplane
without your parachute?" Come on, I can't do this!
Monica: You can, I know you can!
don't think so.
Ross: Come on, you made coffee! You can
do anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant
from that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.)
cut. Cut, cut, cut,...
All: Cut, cut,
cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and they cheer.)
Rachel: Y'know what? I think we can just
leave it at that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...
Monica: Rachel! That was a library card!
All: Cut, cut,
cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..
Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up her
cards) Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand
(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)
Monica: Welcome to the real world! It
sucks. You're gonna love it!
[Time Lapse, Rachel
and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day
by playing the national anthem.]
that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch?
Ross: No. No,
I gotta go home sometime.
Monica: You be
Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (Monica smiles.) What?
Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy.
Alright. Goodnight, everybody.
Ross and Rachel: Goodnight.
(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her
Ross: Mmm. (They
both reach for the last cookie) Oh, no-
Ross: No no
you have it, really, I don't want it-
Ross: Split it?
Ross: Okay. (They
split it.) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in
high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You did!
Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky
Rachel: I did.
Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense
vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think
it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
okay, maybe I will...
(Rachel goes into her
room and Monica enters the living room as Ross is leaving.)
Monica: See ya....
Waitwait, what's with you?
Ross: I just
grabbed a spoon. (Ross exits and Monica has no idea what that